A Sanctified Parody
There is a rumor going around that any preacher, who preaches anything but happy verses, will dry up the offering plates and empty the pews…
Let me be specific… If you do not want to empty the pews and dry up the offering plate, there are some specific rules…
- No matter how strongly you believe we are in the end times, never teach on it. You don’t understand it, God can’t explain it to you, it is confusing to you, it will confuse them, and most of all, if you get it wrong, the church board will ask the bishop to replace you.
- Make a list of Scriptures you can and cannot preach:
- You may preach 2 Chronicles 7:14
- You must never read 2 Chronicles 7:13 or verses 19-21
- You should expound profusely on Matthew 24:14
- NEVER make the mistake of connecting it to verses 9-13
- Never preach any of the following passages:
- Matthew 16:24,25
- Jeremiah chapters 14 and 15
- Lamentations chapter 2
- Revelation 13:7
- Revelation 6:9-11
- Never preach anything that might indicate that it is often God’s will that his saints suffer and die for their faith.
- Never talk about the tens of thousands of Christians around the world who have been martyred for their faith in the last 12 months.
- If you do preach on 2 Chronicles 7:14, never mention that the people in the congregation might need to repent or turn from their wicked ways.
- Never explain what God means when He orders us to “Get out of Babylon.”
- Never explain that Jesus is more interested in saving souls than in saving the United States of America.
- Never list or enumerate sins.
- Never preach repentance.
- Never speak of the Judgement of God (On men or nations).
This is a principle. If you master this, you will learn to identify and avoid any portion of Scripture that might offend or frighten any of your parishioners. You would never want to be accused of frightening anyone out of Hell or scaring them into Heaven…
As far as your congregation is concerned, Jesus died to make them fat, happy and rich in Babylon!
David A. Rice, D.Div, AACGS
Board Certified by the American Association of Church Growth Specialists (AACGS)